REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
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You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.