1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
You Might Also Like
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy