If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
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Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Seems kinda suspicious
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.