People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
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There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.