Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
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HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
A Match(.com), but for socks.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?