Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
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two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
rapatouille
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no