My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
You Might Also Like
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Not today. 😅
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*