Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
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Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I’ve had worse
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
good let them take over I have had enough
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.