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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.