Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
You Might Also Like
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
This forever.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it