There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
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[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
That de-escalated quickly
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”