It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
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son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.