when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
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7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
congratulations to them
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
classic mixup
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.