I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
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how to have an accident 101
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this