Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.