Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
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Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
A fake ID that makes you younger
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?