Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
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McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
yall want some gasoline milk
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.