Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
You Might Also Like
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast