Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
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One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Lmao
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.