Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
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Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.