I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
You Might Also Like
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Monday Lisa
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.