Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
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Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
are there any atheist mantises?
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
sugar glider wrangler
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
This meal prepping shit easy
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh