“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
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idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.