TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
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My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
A small tragedy.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.