GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
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If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Facebook memories be like
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving