Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
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Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Love this one 😂🧟
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive