[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
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The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs