ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
You Might Also Like
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety