I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
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Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
i baked you a cake
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great