It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
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[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
If a snake ate a cake
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!