Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
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[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I found your tweet-up…
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
i- i did not expect this
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude