I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
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I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb