Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
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I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff