When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
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-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.