Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
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Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.