[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
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Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too