Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
You Might Also Like
How is it still this week?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
*seductively eats two tums*
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.