Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
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“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Noah was an idiot.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Note to self: always read the final line
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do