coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
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Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
me linking you to my twitter
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
That time Alicia messaged me
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*