Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
You Might Also Like
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Had to try this trend 😊
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
In case you needed to hear it:
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!