I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
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A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Proctology is located in A55
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I am yelling
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!