Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
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“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”