[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
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What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I love the honesty
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.