Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
You Might Also Like
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.