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PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that