This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
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My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Donkey Kong sommelier
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.