Fat chances are my favorite chances
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*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
#Caturday
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car