[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
You Might Also Like
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
wow
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.