Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
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god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Its a hippotatomus
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin