I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
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A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.